(And hes questioning the motives of the company in having the trip in the first place? Dosomething small tobuild trust, and then your relationship will slowly but surely flourish. I go to Vegas twice a year for fun, and while you can get into the seedier side of it IF YOU WANT TO, its also very, VERY easy to not get into it all. Can everyone please stop armchair diagnosing? Hopefully hes open to counseling/therapy, but if hes not, and he instead doubles down on not letting you travel (regardless of destination), I do think you need to consider an exit strategy. An emotionally distant husband may often seem indifferent or indecisive about decisions: Vacation destinations. The same counselors that would demand that the woman submit would also tell the husband to man up and provide for his wife. But I believe that talking it out in clear terms is step one, at least. My mom is convinced that as soon as the sun goes down, everyone is a drunk driver. I went two hours to the next town over for a Christmas party, and he spent days before hand stressing about everything that could go wrong on the highway. This is very aptly put Anonymous Poster. But I am going to totally disagree with you that its not a relationship problem. Learning new response skills can only help her overall situation. Couples counseling may be useful but controlling spouses are sometimes effective manipulators and in those situations couples counseling is a terrible idea. This is so far outside of normal that if I were in your shoes OP, I would be socking money away so that I could leave him, unless theres something youre not telling us that could possibly justify how he treats you. My mouth just kept falling wider and wider open. I think the intent is clear, though; its that the nameless sources would object to their spouses going. But the husband is the asshole how dare he worry about his wife, Absolutely get counseling. The reality of the place is really NBD. Reading it again, its a bit confusing, but I still think the husbands friends arent agreeing with him. Yep, this was one of my thoughts this might be a seriously overactive anxiety problem at work. the religious environments patriarchal enough that it would be an inherent problem would ALSO have a problem with the woman being the one who works. -OPs husband, probably. I know its easier to say Leave him! to someone else than it is to actually leave your spouse but please know that leaving him over this would not be an overreaction. Couples therapy, NOW, to sort out this huge red flag. She needs to act on whats happening, and then maybe delve into the why with AAMs excellent advice. I only think bad things with Vegas and wonder why its chosen for a business thing (LW never said conference, so I wonder if it was chosen for the fun too). They go out of their way to watch everyone. I lived in that neighborhood for five years, and was perfectly safe. See a g- d- counsellor. I still think he worries about my safety a bit too much (and whoa, good Im not headed to war zones at this point in my career! Yeah, there were some shady businesses. Thats what tips me toward the prospect that your husband is on the controlling end of the spectrum and not the real bad anxiety end of the spectrum. How would it feel if you lost your job or got demoted because you stopped travelling due to his shenanigans? Well, thank heaven theyre not all drug dealers too. So yeah somethings just not right. As Captain Awkward would put it: you have a husband problem, not a job problem. Yeah, I read it as they object and they wouldnt let them go.. I mean, were talking about adults going on a business trip so wholesome shouldnt even come into it. But yeah, were both supportive of the other taking trips. 402 views, 5 likes, 0 loves, 0 comments, 0 shares, Facebook Watch Videos from Famosos: #TaniaRincn y su esposo iniciaron su amor con el pie izquierdo: su relacin no era perfecta. Is this a relationship problem that could be remedied with counseling? My mother too. That was plenty for me, for the social experience.). Hes gotten better over time, but he still guilt-trips me before I leave and makes sad noises about how he misses me so much and we never spend enough time together. That much concern/lack of trust that his wife is going to go off and cheat on him because of what city shes in smells like projecting to me. Its possible that thats part of it given the cheating aspect, but the worried the worst would happen is a very, very common anxiety symptom called catastrophizing. He is unable to let go of these thoughts on his own, they are interfering with his and his spouses quality of life, so he needs some help. Frankly, there are very few cities that can handle massive conferences and Vegas may be the only option for the OPs company. Certainly the OP needs to be careful with couselors. Living with someone like this for the rest of your life sounds like a real misery. I do know some people (who have never been to Vegas!) It sounds like he may possibly have an anxiety disorder of some type. In no way am I saying if he does have anxiety its totally okay for him to be a controlling ass not at all. (Pretty sure the best meal Ive had in my life was at a Vegas buffet there was bone marrow covered in like fig sauce and the second or third best was at one of the steakhouses). And if you dont trust your spouse, why would you want to remain married to them? Im going to second the suggestion of marriage counseling, but I think your husband sounds controlling and unreasonable. Its also fascinating, because it makes me wonder about his friends. My hunny is not a fan of me getting up at 4:30 and going running in the dark by myself. Only discussing the precise words given in the letter: Unsurprisingly, this is a hard concept for controlling people to grasp; What do you mean, one person can unilaterally end a relationship with no input from the other person? The memo was a few years old, and it had been issues shortly before an Uber retreat If Im not mistaken it was in Miami definitely in Florida. I'm scheduled for a c-section on September 21st and although it's not that far away, it's definitely not as close as I would like it to be. Obviously we will have to stop every few hours to feed her. Ive never gone to a weddings and heard vows that included I promise to love, honor, cherish, and ask your permission before I leave the house. It seems a loving husband would have found a way for his wife to attend her best friends wedding. I knew that Counsling was the best step but I needed professional advice to confirm my thoughts. You should go to counseling, alone and together if hell go with you, because I cant tell if hes super anxious, or just super controlling. We have a beach house and are splitting the expenses. He doesnt get to say you cant do anything. Exactly. Im not judging one way or another Im simply suggesting that you look at your relationship through a bigger lens than just this trip. Ive visited Las Vegas several times and loved it. I read it as him being anxious and unreasonable. Ive done that before too, and it was invaluable in setting healthy boundaries in a sane, functional manner. But theres no letting about it. And you will regret it even more if your marriage ends and you put yourself in a worse position just to appease irrational fears. Marriage counseling is the only way you save this. The kidnapping angle *might make sense if it wasnt Vegas but, say, Tijuana. If its phrased as Wife wants to go to Vegas without me for 3 days but go with a bunch of random guys Ive never met before!. Im really not interested in goingI dont gamble, I dont care for tourist attractions, etc. P.S., you forgot to shill The Gift of Fear.. Conversely I dont think Ive ever paid less than $200/night for a business-class hotel in NYC, Austin, LA, etc. Just stayed at a swanky suite in the Venetian with a view of the strip for $140/night. within arms range. Maybe LW could ask her own friends opinions, and LW, if you cant think of anyone to ask, is that because husband has systematically eliminated outside relationships? Give yourself permission tofeel hurt and angry. Well, okay, then, if your mom says so!. I read letters like this, and I realize how fortunate both my husband and I are, because its got to be miserable to live with this level of mistrust and anxiety. Do you want to go? Everybody is in agreement! Long term I also agree with everyone elses recommendations for anxiety screening and counseling. rarely cede ground. If it's me, I would prefer stay home and rest till the baby gets older and low maintenance Do it!! We arent gamblers either. There is so much good food in Vegas, I love it there. My spouse travels for work all the time. I posted above about his great and powerful They. The Everybody who agrees with him. We have friend who live in a neighborhood of Paris which Fox news publicized as a no go zone because of all those Muslims and Sharia Law and such. He will tell me if something is wrong as I will. I did a few Vegas-y things, but mostly I found really interesting things to do while not working. My spouse also has some anxiety issues, and will develop obsessive worries about certain irrational things. I made this comment on the most recent one of those! Absolutely. If something was going to happen to you, it could be anywhere. For example, Fiance didnt want me to take night classes for my certification because the parking lot had a lot of trees and shrubs where predators could hideand there were a lot of guys taking these classes. Its really hard for people to disagree with their buddies in ways harsher than well, I dont know about THAT, but I can see where youre coming from., I can very easily see him going would YOU let your wife go on some so-called business trip with her sleazy coworkers to Vegas?? My husband of 23 years has never objected to any business trips Ive taken (not even the week-long trip to the Bahamas when our daughter was 8 months old), so Im chiming in to say that whats going on with your husband is super abnormal in my experience. For another, unless the husband is a lot more clever than it seems from the letter and follow ups, a good counselor would be useful to the OP, even if it is abuse. If he doesnt trust you, and is otherwise not riddled with anxiety, whats causing that? This is controlling behavior and its not about your trip or your safety, its about his anxiety. About 3 months in (together 3 years now), I went for a very long walk, in a not-well-lit, bad sidewalks area, as I was used to doing. People who cheat assume everyone else will cheat, too. Seriously, I think most of my husbands friends have been to Las Vegas at some point for their jobs, no matter what their jobs are. I dont think anyone is acting like they havent heard the reputation, were just saying its silly and outdated. With NUNS. Hee! Dont choke or burn yourself! Ive actually been there and I agree its overplayed and that corporate concerns are more about flights and conference rooms but its weird to act like youve never heard this stereotype. Find an new therapist to go alone so you can undo all the damage that marriage counseling with a controlling spouse has done. If I wanted to put on pants and walk across the casino I would just eat at a casino floor restaurant instead of ordering deliverywhich Im sure explains their policy more than security concerns! And yeah, if one doesnt leave the primary resort where the conference is, almost zero worry of bad experiences/people. Some things are objectively controlling behaviours though. I trusted him, he was fine. Im good at what I do and I dont want to be made to feel bad because of it. The smoke. I went to Vegas for work once. Thats a very important distinction to make, between thing in and not in the LWs control. Husband needs to chill, big time. Whether hes choosing them consciously or not, hes certainly trying to use them as a weapon to manipulate his wife into doing what he wants. Anger can feel like a reward I always feel more assertive and more in control when Im angry than when Im anxious (and theres a lot of overlap between anger and anxiety anyway, thanks to physical arousal and adrenaline). Once I was done baby would go back into his seat until the next time. Hey, if they didnt want me to take 2 Jacuzzi baths a day they shouldnt have put a TV in there! One woman I met recently on a week-long work trip said it was the longest time shed been apart from her husband in 15 years. A week? He doesnt completely get it and I know hed rather I not go, but he definitely doesnt tell me I cant. Can you believe it? Yes, we fly in on Monday and are out by Friday. That option smacks of trying to make OP appease her husband and HIS issues and that is icky. If a person has surrounded themselves with a bunch of people that thinks its normal for one spouse to tell the other what they are/arent allowed to do, thats a beyond red flag. I obviously dont TELL people I have these thoughts because it tends to freak people out! Very few of these trips ends up involving much fun at all. Adifficult orstressful situation with in-laws can cause undue stress and anxiety, making you feel rejected and undervalued. I dont gamble but I love New Orleans it feels like an adults only carnival. A person who wants to cheat will cheat even if the business trip is in Dayton, OH, or they will cheat even in their hometown. Everyone else said she deserved it! Yeah Im kind of surprised people are acting like theyve never heard anything bad about Vegas. Shes very, very conservative Christian, as is her husband. Dont get hit by a stray printer that someone threw out a window in a rage while you have a cuppa with a buddy outside! OP this is the kind of thing Id bring up in therapy what you will do and what you will NOT do. Maybe he needs counseling for anxiety. Thank you for sharing this. Food! If you refuse to go, it is very likely to cause repercussions at work. This is just.rage-inducingly bonkers. I would have zero concerns about my husband going to Vegas without me, and I know that he would have zero concerns about me going without him. Same here. I think if OPs husband was acting reasonably, this would be a good solution. She thought surely I would be kidnapped in the dark parking lot. So we'd do 2 four- hr stretches with one long stop in btwn. Ifthis isjust aone-time thing, and heusually shares himself freely with you, then itmay betime for him tolook atwhy hedidnt want you there inthe first place. If I genuinely believed he was in danger, this would be insulting beyond words. Its just not reasonable to expect a spouse to not travel for business, and I cant imagine a whole group of people who would say such a thing. My husband is just glad he doesnt have to go with me, because more than a couple of days in Las Vegas is like being stuck inside a kaleidoscope. Business trips for him are salt in a wound, Im guessing. He needs to get over this, though if for no other reason than the financial security of the family. I go on a vacation with my sisters, or go to my cousins house in PA. We enjoy the time apart. oh, and the dancing fountains at the Bellagio. Hes not Master of the House. Good luck! Sorry, that isnt useful. Figure you stop as often as baby feeds (which is every 3 hours for us.) husband doesn t want to go on family vacationlifetime guest pass policy. My husband knows I am a lone soul sometimes and love my exciting career. However, Im not sure if this is the crux of the LWs issue since her husband clearly said that he has a problem with the what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas mentality. Well, it depends. We live a block away from a grocery store. (Ive been to LV exactly once, for work. But youre his spouse and in a perfect position to help him understand whats going on and try to help fix it! I also suffer from anxiety that could be debilitating, if I allowed it to be. Interestingly, prostitution is a county-by-county decision in Nevada. I have the same problem and have since I was a child. This was my impression as well lodging, food, and entertainment is easy to get in Vegas, and (I would imagine) relatively less expensive than, say, a retreat in Napa. Learn more about, Twins & Multiples: Your Tentative Time Table. Get yourself some counseling, with or without your husband (and explore whether or not this is the type of relationship that is healthy for you to continue to be in). Wilberforce agrees with meeee!. They dont have to go out of town to do it. I resent our new hires for setting better work-life boundaries than our company normally has, hairy legs at work, my office sent me a random TV, and more, heres an example of a great cover letter with before and after versions, my employee cant handle even mildly negative feedback, my new coworker is putting fake mistakes in my work so she can tell our boss Im bad at my job, insensitive Diversity Day, how to fire someone who refuses to talk to us, and more, weekend open thread February 25-26, 2023, assistant became abusive when she wasnt invited to a meeting, my coworkers dont check on people who are out sick, and more. (Is he really afraid you will be kidnapped or is he being hyperbolic to try to convince you to stay?). It might even be a wonderful idea, under the right circumstances. I think this is my problem with some of the suggestions that OP should bring her husband on the trip. You need to do this to protect your relationship, because frequent anger is corrosive and damaging. Jeez, we all married the same guy. Theres other stuff to when she was in Vegas last she dressed differently and the way she talked to me. I suspect that he says that because he can frame it as Im only concerned for YOUR safety, rather than When you go to Las Vegas, I feel like I am not in control of you, and that makes me unhappy. I bet he doesnt even really think you will cheatits about knowing that you COULD and he wouldnt see and couldnt do anything about it. But no gambling! My grandmother pays for the trip. Plan and reminisce together to create shared anticipation beforehand and shared . This. I hope this topic can also help someone else facing simalry issues. (Somehow I did survive!). Heck, immediately post break-up I think its normal for friends to say Yeah, you were right, and they were in the wrong, and youre a heck of a catch and I bet theyre really sorry. Regardless of their private feelings about the truth of those things. Before you talk with your husband, try tounderstand why hedidnt want you there. And absolutely do not let his anxiety limit your life. Hello thanks for the comment but I do work I manage over 400 rental properties and Im a professional gardener for a estate. There is no amount of structuring my life that would have kept me from feeling anxious. :D. Its doubly absurd because Tokyo is, I would wager, THE safest big metropolitan city in the world. Could be true. Grownups dont treat other grownups like this unless they are fundamentally abusive. The Truth About Taking Separate Vacations. One of my favorite business trips was a 3-day solo trip to Vegas. Im glad you have found enough awareness around this issue to help you handle it. The same concerns would translate for a man. The Sigma Derby game in the MGM Grand is a lot of fun. LWs spouse is overreacting for sure. Thank you so much for being the voice of reason here. Then I realized that he was not being irrational he was worried, and it was not a burden for me just to check in once in awhile, especially if I am on unfamiliar dark roads. Like, people bring their own experiences to the table here, so might feel invalidated or defensive when its suggested its the other explanation. Nah this isnt about irrational fears on his part, its about control. Thats the issue here. Some people get really over the top anxious about things like this such that it becomes its own problem, maybe even more of an independent factor than the sexism thing (which kind of compounds it because its a societal trope that reinforces some of what would otherwise seem more out there on the face of it). Going to the store and picking out our own groceries is the easiest thing in the world for us. Hes a great husband who is loving & shows affection in many was. We are the City That Never Sleeps, remember? Yes, this. Many commenters are acting as though the husband made up this poll of people (everyone) to agree with him, which is not what she wrote or what happened. Of course, Im only going by what was in the letter. Later I saw an art exhibit. husband doesn t want to go on family vacation. If hes of the mind that the husband should be the breadwinner then it sounds like insecurity about his own career. Go on the business trip, set and hold firm limits with him (i.e., if you want to call him at 9 each night, great, but thats it. My co-worker (who doesnt drink or gamble) went with their spouse a few months ago for a work conference. Whats not real is all these horrible things Im imagining happening to her. I mean There isnta rash of kidnappings in Las Vegas, and what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas is an advertising slogan forcollege students and weddingparties, not a warning to spousesof business travelers. It really seems like your husband doesnt trust you, and as AAM said, that is a relationship problem. Thats exactly what Im doing right now too and it will be so much better when I dont have to justify the work trip to my husband and I dont have to pander to his unfounded insecurities. First, it doesnt workanxiety will inevitably find things to be anxious about, ultimatelyand second, its not reasonable or feasible to ask someone to do that. Ithewhat??? Oh thats my mothers thing, too. Sometimes walking away is the only thing you can do. Ive often done a straw poll of my married friends to get a sense of whether something that was bugging me was a real issue or just a personal hang-up. I think its time to tell him something like: I need you to respect my ability to make my own decisions. Eh, sex work is legitimate work. He might be in some kind of internet echo chamber, like one of the misogynist subreddits, and all the guys in there told him Shes totes just going there to have sex with random dudes! because thats the way those corners of the internet are. I have a friend now who Ill maybe mention that he is going to a business thing and he will badger me where is he? We split it into 3 traveling days both directions so it would be 6 hours and we are estimating 8 hour days, but know it could be longer. In THAT case, that is a super not-normal response, and its very strange that theres a whole group of people who support this thinking.